When Tim Cook first approached us, Apple were already going down the tubes. After a decade dominating the world with their fancypants phones and trendsetting tech, they realised that somewhere along the way they'd taken a wrong turning and were now stumbling blind down a dusty road to digital death. Jonny Ive was in tears when he begged us to help them rediscover their glory days.

Naturally we took pity on them — after all, imitation is a form of flattery and it was obvious they needed our professional help. We flew the forlorn pair across to 1 Peebles Avenue and took them in. We fed and watered them, gave them lots of hugs and encouragement, and then set to work.